On Retreat – How time away helps you quiet down enough to hear your inner truth

Sometimes, taking time away to be quiet and introspective is exactly what’s called for. This might be simply when you’ve been working hard and need a break. Or, in response to a significant event like a big birthday, a career change, or when the kids leave home. It might be precipitated by a health issue, the end of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, a major disappointment or even a celebratory event. These landmark moments are opportunities to assess where you’ve been, what’s important, and where you’re going. Time away, on retreat, helps you do this.

I spent the summer as a guest at the Ocamora Retreat Center in the foothills of New Mexico’s Sangre de Cristo Mountains. Staying in an adobe cottage with long range views of prairie to the East and red rocked cliffs to the West, I spent a lot of time in solitude. I was also offering somatic massage to facilitate the summer program. Both on a retreat myself and part of the retreat experience for people from all over the country, it was an immersion course in the wisdom of taking time away. As I experienced deep calm take root in my core, I witnessed this happen over and over in specific ways for each of the retreat participants. Wanting to know more about the process, I sat down with Diane Haug –longtime retreat leader and executive director of the Ocamora program.

Why is time away so important?

The pace, density, and immediacy of our post-modern, digitalized lives doesn’t allow us the time or space to rest deeply and connect with our essential selves. Even when we get away on vacation, we’re still on schedule, sending texts, emails, and photos to friends, family, and work colleagues. Getting away, truly getting away to a place like Ocamora gives people the chance to step out of the tyranny of time. And, when people feel supported in stepping away and slowing down they begin to make the shift from busy to quiet, from external to internal.

 How do you facilitate this shift from busy to quiet, external to internal?

Our weeklong programs are designed to encourage transformational insight and healing. Before people even arrive, we address expectations and set the tone with information about the facility, weather, travel, setting, and program. Although travel from home to Ocamora may only take a few hours, it can take more time to actually “land” here. Transit is part of the process and, once here, it continues as participants feel their way into the space, the quietude, the wildness of the landscape, and simplicity of the facilities. When people are asked to step away from their phones and familiar routines, it takes time to adjust.

I use two powerful practices to facilitate quiet introspection– sharing in council circle and sitting in contemplative silence. Being in circle encourages people to drop into a place of deep listening where they can access unconditional regard for the experience of each other –and themselves.  Sitting, before and after activities, in breathing meditation helps the mind shift from the crowded space of endless thinking to the timeless space of just being in present time.   

 Could you say more about this phrase “timeless space”?

The quiet setting of Ocamora, immersed in the intimacy of the natural world, helps participants slow down enough to clear their lens of perception. Instead of images and agendas flooding the airwaves, they can open their senses to the vast range of plant life, chorus of birdsong, and sweet smell of sage. The expansive landscape and big weather– with clouds coming and going, light shifting and changing– capture our attention and invite us to be present. Here, connected to all life, in timeless space, we can access a timeless sense of self.

 And, have you witnessed retreats change people’s lives?

Many people come to a retreat at a pivotal moment, often asking “who am I?”  Meeting them with the expertise, setting, and processes that encourage a deeper sense of self helps them answer this question. Throughout the retreat, listening to this deeper sense of self gives them specific guidance about what needs to let go and where healing needs happen. And, when people return home with a new sense of self and the tools to keep listening it changes their lives. It’s an honor to witness the personal epiphanies and transformational healing that happens, over and over again.

Being on retreat with Diane and the other retreat facilitators at Ocamora has reminded me of the importance of taking time away to chill out and reset every once in a while. Away from the familiar routes and routines, I took time to listen to the wind in the trees and elk in the meadow. Away from the constant chatter of newsfeeds, my inner chatter quieted down. Away from traffic and parking lots, I could relax and linger in present time. Here it was easy to feel how time comes and goes just like the big old puffy clouds. And, as I get ready to come back home, I feel renewed, refreshed and ready to do what comes next.  

Over the past 50 years, retreat centers have been set up around the country to support mental, spiritual and physical wellbeing. Today, with schedules so jam-packed and little time for reflection at a deep personal level, going on retreat might be the most sensible thing to do– for body, mind, and spirit. If this sounds appealing, why not set up time away for a personal retreat? There are lots of excellent choices depending on your needs and interests. Just ask a friend for a recommendation or go on the internet and make a reservation. Once it’s on the calendar, just knowing it’s scheduled feels like a gift to yourself.

Note: Pattie Cavalletto left Santa Barbara in 1980 to pursue a dream of creating a retreat center where people could come together to find peace and healing. With the help of longtime friend and partner, Michael Broome, she found the perfect setting in Northern New Mexico to build the Ocamora Retreat Center.  Beautifully designed and simply constructed, the log and adobe buildings are surrounded by lush landscaping, tucked into the natural setting. Over time, Ocamora has been a place where people can be close to nature, close to spirit, in silent awareness. Forty years later, Pattie’s vision of people circling on a lawn in sacred ceremony has become a reality.

Ocamora’s Black Willows at sunset
photo by Michael Broome

Spring Clearing- time to declutter and lighten your load

Growing up in cold climes, I used to sort my winter and summer clothes twice a year. Here, in California, I just move things around in the closet. Unfortunately, when I simply shift stuff around, I don’t need to think about how my wardrobe functions.  Clothes and shoes simply get shuffled, stored, and never really sorted. Recently, wanting to downsize, I needed to take a look and get sensible about what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to let go.

Beginning with my closet, I applied the two-year rule and rooted out the clothes, scarves, and shoes that I’ll never wear again. Then, moving on to the boxes stored in the shed, loft, and under the bed, I found extra everything– pillows, Tupperware, and, even, hammers. Assessing current and future needs, I bagged, boxed, and delivered all the extras to my favorite thrift store. Although coming face to face with all this accumulated stuff was both daunting and embarrassing, doing something about it has been therapeutic.

Even if you’re not downsizing and have plenty of space (maybe, a storage unit or two), I guarantee you’ll benefit from a little spring clearing. As the de-cluttering gurus tell us: all those piles and boxes belong to you and, like stuff stored in the “cloud”, it consumes energy. Certainly, it made me feel lighter and freer when I unloaded all those extra scarves and hammers. Research at the University of Connecticut confirms this experience– finding that when people de-clutter, it reduces stress and anxiety. At the same time, it increases happiness and confidence. From a purely physical point of view, this makes sense. Simply clearing clutter lightens your load, creates more space to move around, and frees up energy to explore your options.

Getting your mind on board. It’s important to think of spring clearing as a process. You’ll be tempted to make excuses, put it off, blame circumstances. Understanding the psychological underpinnings of clutter is a good way to bolster your resolve. For instance: perhaps, all of that stuff in the attic/basement/storage unit is a reflection of your subconscious emotional baggage. Psychologists tell us that clutter can represent a kind of denial and/or resistance to live in the present moment. Considering this, it’s probably a good idea to check in once in a while as you go along. Many people report being surprised that their stuff brings up old issues.  And, once they declutter and let go, it seems as if old patterns and stuck attitudes let go as well. In addition, unloading the extra stuff often has a positive effect on posture, digestion and sleep. For some, clearing space helps them think more clearly. For others, it clears the way for being present and feeling joy.

So, why not use the momentum of springtime to declutter and lighten your load? Although spring clearing is a task, for sure, the rewards are worth it.

Getting Started. To start, set aside a few hours some morning soon to decluttering a specific area. Perhaps your desk or closet or pantry.

Desk: Systematically, go through the piles of papers and file away or digitalize what you want to keep– assign the rest to the trash or shredder.

Closet: Sort through clothes & shoes and decide what you want to keep and what you need to let go. Realistically, if something in your wardrobe hasn’t been worn in two years, it’s time to let it go. Fold and box or bag the giveaways and place in a pile for your favorite thrift store.

Pantry: Scour the shelves for past due items and put them in the trash before you organize by category.

As you go along. Take breaks, every once in a while. Stretch and shake your limbs to dislodge any emotions and replenish your energy. 

Finishing up. At the end of your clearing session, sit down and check in with how you feel. Yes, you feel tired. But, perhaps there’s also feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. You may feel lighter, less encumbered. And/or softer, less restless, more at peace. Linger here, breathing freely and listening to your deep knowing and inner guidance.

When you sort it out and move it on, the stuck, stagnant energy begins to flow again. You’ve created more space. There’s more room to breathe, more room to be inspired. Truthfully, this whole process has been cathartic. And, in addition to the feeling of personal accomplishment, you’ll probably feel a “generosity dividend” when you cart it all off to thrift. Taking time to note the positive results of your labor is a lesson in healthy living. It’s also a motivator for your next bout of spring clearing.

Symbolically, the act of clearing space is very powerful. Everything you sorted and sent on lightens your physical load. Dusty old ways of thinking got jettisoned along with those outfits you haven’t worn for ages. Emotional baggage stored in those boxes is no longer part of your life. Space has been cleared for what’s important now–the relationships and projects that nourish you. If this all makes sense to you, Spring couldn’t have come at a better time!

Originally published in the Montecito Journal

Teeccino - The Perfect Warm Drink for a Winter’s Afternoon

Caroline MacDougall- longtime Santa Barbara resident and Teeccino founder and CEO

As the days get shorter and the nights get colder, I find myself seeking out a cup of something warm and tasty. This is the perfect way to shift from busy to quiet; from out in the world to indoor cozy. Whether tucking in with a good book or sharing a warm hearth with friends and family, this is one of the perks of this time of year. Delightfully, on a recent chilly afternoon, my daughter invited me to sit down with a cup of her new favorite beverage– Teeccino. Have you heard of it?

Teeccino (pronounced tea-chee-no) is the creation of herbal product innovator Caroline MacDougall. Neither tea nor coffee, Teeccino is a delicious coffee-esque drink that’s robust like coffee, caffeine-free like herbal tea, and, when combined with frothy milk, as yummy as a cappuccino. This was Caroline’s intention.

Though I’ve known Caroline for many years and respected her as a master herbal beverage designer and businesswoman, I was curious to find out more about how all this happened. So, I invited her to breakfast at Jeannine’s the other morning and she recounted her journey into the world of herbs (she brought the tea bags!).

Way back when Caroline was in high school working in a health food store, she discovered the books of Juliette de Baïracli Levy, a renowned English herbalist and author noted for pioneering work with Bedouin nomads, indigenous tribes and gypsies. A few years later, as a fearless young woman traveling to Sudan and Egypt buying herbs for Celestial Seasoning, Caroline went in search of her inspiration and found Levy living with her herd of goats and Afghan hounds on the Balearic Island of Formentera. Each summer during her annual herb buying trip, Caroline sought out Levy from island to island in the Mediterranean wherever she was. As Caroline explained: “At that time, there were no courses in herbal medicine, so I learned by traveling, seeing where herbs came from, tasting them, studying with Juliette, and reading herbals.”

Over the next few years, Caroline continued to follow her passion, growing and blending herbs to create teas, herbal cigarettes, and homeopathic products. You may have encountered some of her tea blends in the collections of Yogi Tea, The Republic of Tea or Organic India.

After being inspired by a dream to create a caffeine-free cappuccino, Caroline began testing various herbal combinations in her kitchen to see if she could find a blend that would deliver the taste satisfaction of cappuccino without the acidity and jitters from coffee. She launched Teeccino a few years later in 1996. Today, it is the number one coffee alternative around the world. From the beginning, Caroline’s mission has been to “bring the health benefits of herbs to everybody’s cup!”

Alice Foote MacDougall, “the only woman coffee expert” in the 1920s.

It could be said that Caroline’s entrepreneurial interest in plants and brewing warm beverages was in her DNA. You see, her great grandmother, Alice Foote MacDougall, was in the coffee business in NYC in the early 1900s, back when people would buy green coffee beans at the store and roast them at home. Caroline’s ancestor happened to roast a pretty good bean, and she began selling it to her friends when she suddenly found herself the sole provider for her three children. This little enterprise morphed into one of the top chains of restaurants in the 1920s in NYC. Recognizing the generational contribution to her success, Caroline likes to say that “Alice must be over-lighting this journey.”

“It’s not coffee. It’s not tea. It’s Teeccino. Whether you brew it like coffee or steep it like tea, it’s still the same Teeccino.”

The Product. A wide variety of roasted herbal teas featuring chicory, dandelion, and medicinal mushrooms with flavors such as Candy Cane, Snickerdoodle, Vanilla Nut, French Roast, Reishi Eleuthero, or Dark Chocolate. Depending on your personal taste, you can brew the roasted blends just like coffee or steep a tea bag like an herbal tea. The upside is that these coffee alternatives have hardly any calories, no caffeine or acidity and a lot of health benefits.

“Originally I just wanted Teeccino to be caffeine free and taste delicious but health benefits, like Teeccino being great for digestion, were revealed later from our customers testimonials!”

Health Benefits. What if there was a coffee substitute that augmented physical-mental wellbeing? And, what if it also satisfied the emotional desire for a cup of something hot without disturbing your digestion or sleep? Without getting too technical, Caroline explained how the herbal ingredients in Teeccino support gut and cardiovascular wellbeing. Just drinking a cup of Teeccino every day supports good digestion and immunity with prebiotics and lowers stress. And it is caffeine free!

The caffeine in coffee and tea doesn’t really work for many people. It jangles nerves, upsets digestion, and disturbs sleep. And, like any addictive substance, consumption tends to increase as time goes on. Shifting to a lower caffeine load or going all herbal makes sense as we get older. But, even young people complain that feeling the coffee buzz can be at times unpleasant and, in many ways, unproductive.

“I recently made a discovery–Teeccino– and it’s the best coffee substitute I’ve tasted. It is delicious and makes great caffeine-free cappuccinos and lattes” - Andrew Weil, M.D.

Social-emotional Benefits. “What are you thinking about when you want to have a warm drink? What motivates you?” When Teeccino asked the 60,000 plus newsletter subscribers these questions, over 70% of respondents were looking for a comforting taste experience. In Caroline’s words, “They’re really thinking about what they want emotionally…what they get from sitting down and having a warm cup of something delicious to drink”.

The ritual of preparing the beverage, sitting down, and wrapping your hands around a warm cup helps us shift from the stresses and pace of our busy lives to slow down and relax a bit. It also creates the context for meaningful conversation and social bonding. Your personal experience confirms how good this is for your body, mind, and spirit. So, the next time you need to slow down and let go, why not follow the British tradition and put the kettle on to have a cuppa?

“One of my favorite drinks is a dark brew made from herbs, grains, fruits, and nuts known as Teeccino. It’s a completely satisfying warm drink that gives me as much pleasure as coffee.” Christiane Northrup, M.D.

In addition to the wonderful caffeine-free beverages, Caroline shares her seasoned wisdom regularly on her blog: Healthy Tips. https://teeccino.com/blogs/news. Here, you can tune in to a wide range of wellness information, such as: cultivating a resilient biome, sleep hygiene, and the superpowers of herbs and mushrooms. Scroll down to check out Caroline’s musings on timely topics. for instance: the importance of wetlands; real natural flavors; refined fructose and weight gain; and how to keep your new year’s resolutions.

To order Teeccino, go to your local health food store or look on Amazon. Even better, check out the wide selection of offerings / specials and order directly from https://teeccino.com/collections/all

Originally published in The Montecito Journal

An Interview with Don MacMannis, PhD: Songs with a Message

Dr. Mac, clinical psychologist and writer of children’s songs (courtesy photo)

Don MacMannis, (aka Dr. Mac) has wanted to work with children for as long as he can remember. He tells the story of sitting in a pre-med class at Dartmouth, thinking he was going to be a pediatrician, when it dawned on him that child psychology was his life’s true work. And so began a journey that led to a PhD in Clinical Psychology and work for the past 42 years at the Family Therapy Institute (FTI) of Santa Barbara with his wife, Debra Manchester. Don, Debra, and the FTI staff are recognized leaders in the field of family therapy – encouraging healthy family systems and the social-emotional well-being of children. 

In addition to helping thousands of families grow and become whole, in recent years Dr. Mac has written and produced over 50 “Happy Kids Songs” and the play Elementary School Musical, designed to entertain and teach fun lessons in social-emotional well-being. Because themes are taken from issues kids bring to his therapeutic practice, the process begins with an intention. Once he finds a “hook” to make the song catchy, he fills in the gaps. Often, on a walk or in the middle of the night, what comes next just seems to appear. For Don, “in order to get the magic, I have to step aside – open up and listen. Sometimes, when I’m stuck and don’t know where to go next, moving the body gets it unstuck.” Once the composition has taken shape, Craig Dobbin (NCIS, Shark Week) creates a polished arrangement. Kids’ auditions and rehearsals take place in his Montecito home, and the final touch happens when local singer Lois Mahalia (“Smile,” “Build Me a Window”) lays in some soulful background vocals.

“The really fun part of writing children’s music is that I can write in a diversity of styles – from rock to rap, country, pop, or reggae – allowing me a way to be playful and match a song’s theme to a specific musical style!”

Although Dr. Mac’s clinical work has been primarily focused on parenting with kids with behavioral challenges, he has seen a dramatic increase of children with fears and anxiety. One of his passions has been the development of a version of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for kids. CBT teaches people how to overcome negative thinking patterns. Being able to do this is important for anyone living in an uncertain, divisive world – especially for children. The songs and procedures he’s developed teach kids how to overcome anxiety by becoming the “boss of their thoughts.”

“This music is so inviting and upbeat, kids may not notice it’s teaching them a thing or two about sharing and kindness as they bop to the beats.” – Parenting Magazine

Brain science shows us why songs might be a good way to deliver messages. Simplistically, when you listen to music, it lights up numerous areas of the brain. Add words and the cognitive brain comes online to decipher context and meaning. A few years ago, Dr. Mac received a grant to test this out in a classroom setting. With funds in hand, he trained and supervised college students to use the songs in the classroom. Working with teachers and schools was a natural fit because, as every educator knows, when emotions get triggered at home or on the playground, they get carried over to the classroom, and co-opt the brain’s facility for new learning. Because songs are an effective way to “name and claim” what’s going on, they help kids shift from strong feelings to clearer thinking. The results of this study showed a boost in social and emotional learning – for the kids as well as their teachers and parents. Like any catchy jingle, upbeat and positive messages have the potential to boost performance and happiness. 

“Music is one of the most powerful vehicles for learning and change. It can ground concepts in ways that we don’t forget. People can still remember the words of songs they heard decades ago.”

Don’s songs have won numerous awards and are being used in social-emotional learning programs across the country. His award-winning play, Elementary School Musical, has been called “edutainment at its best.” A tailor-made resource for schools, it’s about kids needing to cooperate to help a sick dog and, along the way, dealing with themes such as positive thinking, shyness, fears, gratitude, kindness, and celebrating differences. This delightful combination of performance, music, and timely messages can be found at www.elementarymusical.com.

Dr. Mac and his cadre of child performers recording another catchy tune (courtesy photo)

“The key is entertainment first, and then slip in the message. If it isn’t entertaining and uplifting, kids won’t listen, or parents will be turned off.”

Dr. Mac’s playlist of “Happy Kids Songs” includes over 50 songs covering a wide range of social and emotional themes. He generously offers this playlist for free at www.happykidssongs.com. Check it out, find a song that connects, and give it a listen. And, don’t miss the most recent additions “One People” and “Celebration Time” featuring local kid stars Sienna Shalhoub (finalist in the Santa Barbara Teen Star contest), Samara Shalhoub, Taylor Lott, Marion Cobell, Eden Cobell, and Evie Byrne, with Lois Mahalia on background vocals. These songs are professionally produced, delightfully engaging, and contain a timely message about healing our divisions and cultivating a positive outlook. 

From the song “One People”:

Now no more blaming games,

there’s no one to condemn,

No more calling names or 

thinking us and them,”

Arm in arm we’ll carry out

new plans for the planet.

We heard Mother Nature shout: 

Stop takin’ me for granted.”

It’s the time to care for all,

and everything around us

Hear Mother Nature’s call and

let her love surround us.

Don MacMannis, PhD is a child and family psychologist, Clinical Director of the Family Therapy Institute of Santa Barbara, and co-author of two highly acclaimed books: How’s Your Family Really Doing?: 10 Keys to a Happy Loving Family and Who’s the Boss? The Win-Win Way to Parent Your Defiant Strong-Willed Child. His online course, “Parenting Spirited Strong-Willed Kids” is attended by parents internationally. He was music director, scriptwriter, and songwriter for the PBS hit series, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, and continues to share his wisdom and talent in his clinical practice and writing songs for kids.

Originally published in The Montecito Journal

Welcoming Springtime

The Promise of Springtime

Painting by Benjamin Brode in the collection of Chris & Julie Sochin

This past winter was particularly long, cold, dark and rainy. We bundled up and tucked in. Our muscles tightened to generate heat and our bodies shivered to generate more heat. Unfortunately, this natural way of getting warm can become a holding pattern that hangs on long after you’ve warmed up. In other words, months and months of curling, scrunching, and cozying may be responsible for the tension you feel in your jaw, neck, and shoulders right now.

Here are three ways to release the hold of winter and open to the promise of Springtime.
    Get in sync with the season. The opposite of scrunching down is lifting up. Just as the life round you is bursting forth, what if you invited your body to come into its fullness? As you walk around, eat with friends, or work at your desk, why not unfurl your spine and broaden your smile a little? Stretch and shake a bit to dislodge the dust of winter. Notice how reclaiming your full space delivers an upbeat message to body, mind, and spirit. 
    Remember to put the spring in your step. If you’re plodding along, avoiding the mud and puddles, the spring in your step gets short circuited.  Not only does this slow your momentum, it takes a lot more energy.  Why not add a bit of bounce the next time you walk across a parking lot or hike a mountain trail? Notice how reclaiming the fullness of your gait generates energy and enthusiasm.
    Change your outlook. Every once in a while, take an aesthetic break to bask in the bounty of Nature. Feast on the deep greens and bright colors around you. Drink in the verdant hillsides– full of lupine, mustard, and poppy. Relish the sounds of returning songbirds and running creeks. Savor the scent of orange trees and pittosporum.  Notice how focusing on these sensory pleasures cultivates faith, hope, and joy.

The uplifting, rejuvenating, pleasure of Springtime is actually wired in your physiology. Let me explain. When winter comes along and the days get shorter & colder, it sends a signal to your pineal gland to produce more melatonin. When the days start getting longer and warmer, melatonin backs off and serotonin levels perk up. To give you an idea of how this effects your experience, melatonin is the hormone that helps your body slow down and quiet down for a good night’s sleep. Serotonin helps you wake up, feel motivated, and get on with the day. Here’s a little visualization to help you experience this winter to spring dynamic:

Close your eyes and imagine a cold, gray winter’s day with rain or snow on the way. Doesn’t your body just want to hunker down, be still and take a nap? Then, think about a warm spring day with bees humming and a scent of jasmine in the air. Now, does your body feel more like opening up, moving around and sing out loud?

Just spending more time outdoors enjoying the sensual delight of bright colors, intriguing scents, and new life, delivers a dose of the pleasure hormone dopamine.  And, this year, the abundance of rain has given us a dopamine high that’s truly extraordinary. The mountains have gone from parched dull grays to lush dark greens. Wildflowers are exploding. Creeks are flowing. Bees are buzzing; birds are nesting. The overwhelming feeling is of abundance and renewal.

It seems apt that Springtime is associated with regeneration and optimism. As sap rises and flowers bloom, so does your energy and creativity. The verdant hillsides and return of song birds, trigger hopefulness. The longer, warmer days lead to expansive thinking and playful curiosity. Creative ideas seem possible, doable, intriguing. Seeing life return reminds us of the wisdom of the natural world and our potential for new beginnings.

Because this past winter was so intense and challenging, the arrival of Springtime in all its glory is an occasion to celebrate. Why not channel the surge of energy and frolic a bit? Let the promise of Springtime be an inspiration to explore beyond, commit to a cause, or take a chance on romance. Feel the abundance and share your good will, good feelings. After all, this is one of the truly enchanting times of year.

Originally published in The Montecito Journal

Harmony - A way to heal discord

After yet another discordant election season, it’s time to heal the rifts and find ways to live together in loving community. As simple as it may sound, singing together helps us come together. To explore this further, I recently sat down with therapist and singer-song writer Marilee Gordon to ask about her experience using music as an avenue for personal and communal healing. Here are tidbits from our inspiring conversation.

Marilee’s relationship with music has been both formative and informative. From an early age, she treasured the joy of singing together at family gatherings. It wasn’t long before she picked up a guitar and started writing her own songs. And, she’s been playing music, writing songs, and getting others to sing along ever since. As a LCSW, Marilee used her musical expertise to help people discover the inherent therapeutic value of singing along. I asked her describe how this came about.

“I’ve done harmony singing with lots of groups, from 12 to 85 years old. Singing is a lot about listening.  If someone says, ‘I can’t sing’, I simply put them next to someone who can, tell them to listen carefully and match what they hear. I developed this technique when I was in grad school and had a job as social service worker at a nursing home. I’d often bring my guitar and round people up to sing the songs my grandmother taught me. Even people who didn’t speak much, pitched in and sang along. Because music and emotions are so closely tied, what started out being recreational often ended up being therapeutic. These were all old-timer, no nonsense folks and the music opened them up, softened them up. As moods lifted and memories rekindled, soon they were teaching me “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary”.  

Later on, Marilee worked with middle school kids to help them negotiate the social challenges of cliques and bullying. She was hoping that teaching them to sing in harmony might help them be nicer to each other. Sure enough, it worked and the group ended up staying together as friends for the next thirty plus years.

For several summers, Marilee and I designed retreats for professional caregivers with the express purpose to nurture and teach self-nurturing practices. Immersed in the simplicity of Nature at her ranch in Wyoming’s Absaroka Mountains, participants were able to calm down and focus on self-care. Bodywork, art, exercise, meditation, ceremony, and music offered therapeutic ways to connect with a sense of self and each other. One of the highlights of our time together was learning how our individual voices could come together to create a harmonious whole. Near the end of the retreat, Marilee asked us to write a few words from the heart. She, then, used these words to compose an original song and teach it to the group. Singing “our song” was a way to personalized what we’d learned about being in harmony- with ourselves, each other and the natural world. Then, we could bring it home.

Because music is so deeply rooted in our physical and emotional experience, it offers a powerful resource for healing. Listening to and singing along give us ways to process a wide range of feelings- from joy to sorrow, regret to compassion. Have you ever heard a piece of music and felt emotion flood to the surface? This is a therapeutic moment. In addition, streaming a song and singing along can be cathartic and humming softly can be calming. If you pay attention to a song stuck in your head, the lyrics just might have something to tell you. Or, like Marilee, you might have a happy playlist that elevates your mood, a sad playlist that’s comforting, and some songs you never want to hear again.

In general, singing brings on a natural high. It lowers blood pressure, increases endorphins, and decreases stress hormones. Studies have shown that when people sing together it brings them together-psychologically and physiologically. Did you know that the hearts of people singing together get in sync and begin to beat in unison? This aligns with Marilee’s comment that singing therapeutically isn’t about performing, it’s about coming from the heart.  When she’s singing in a choir or chanting OM in yoga class, she hears it happen in the quality of tone emanating from and through all the voices singing in unison. Singing solo, she channels it to help her dogs sleep or comfort loved ones.

From her experience working with middle school kids, contentious siblings, and people from differing backgrounds, Marilee believes that music can be a transformative agent to bring us all together. Musing on this, she concluded our interview with this bit of poetic inspiration: “You know, in a sense, it’s like shades of green in the natural world all go together. We’re all different people, different shades of green. And, if everyone sings together it becomes a beautiful painting.”

Marilee Gordon LCSW is a longtime marriage and family counsellor in Jackson Hole, residing in Wilson Wyo and Montecito. She is a singer/song writer, performer, and author of the children’s book Moosey Ate My Peas.  

Originally published in The Montecito Journal

Inspiration and Guidance for Stressful Times: An Interview with Tina Lerner M.A.

Ongoing social and political discord undermine our peace of mind. They also take a toll on physical wellbeing. This shows up for me as a churning gut and layer of fatigue behind the eyes. Others might feel agitation, low energy, headaches, tension, and dry mouth. No matter how it manifests, living through stressful times challenges our ability to focus during the day and relax/repair at night.

When the new normal feels so distressing, it’s more important than ever to know how to relax and feel better. I thought this would be the perfect time to interview stress management expert Tina Lerner for a little inspiration and guidance.

AB: Can you give us a brief rundown of what happens in the body when dealing with stress becomes an everyday reality?

TL: The ‘stress response’ is powerful chemistry that prepares our bodies to fight or flee. This serves a purpose when we’re actually in physical danger. Unfortunately, our bodies are not able to discriminate between something we are concerned about, such as disturbing world news, or an actual present physical threat. What I commonly see in my clients is the ‘habit’ of being in a continual physical survival stress response. This has a profound negative effect on our emotional and physical wellbeing. 

AB: What are some of the long-term stress issues you’re seeing right now?

TL:  Most of the people I see are challenged by an emotional or physical issue such as anxiety, depression, overwhelm, insomnia, fear, feeling helpless, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, headaches, pain, irritable bowel disease, claustrophobia. They are often referred to me by their doctor or other healthcare practitioner.  

For many, just knowing stress is unhealthy often adds another layer of stress. People are afraid that they will ‘worry themselves sick.’

AB: What are some ways you help people address these problems at the Biofeedback Institute? 

TL:  Using state-of-the-art biofeedback technology, it’s easy to measure heart rhythm, respiration, and other physiology and display the results on a computer screen in an easy-to-understand format. Based on this information, using science-based techniques, I design individualized programs to lower stress and anxiety to help people feel more at ease and in control. With practice, a client learns how to actually alter brain activity, blood pressure, muscle tension, heart rate/rhythm, and breath patterns. This process interrupts the habitual stress cycle.

AB: Can you offer a bit of coaching right now to help us experience how mind and body can work together to reduce stress?

TL:  It’s often difficult to ‘change our minds and look at the bright side’ when we are in a reactive stress response. Our bodies are informing our minds, ‘You are in danger!’ One of my often-used phrases is, “To be healthy we need to spend some time out of our minds.”

So, my first recommendation is to bring your attention to your body and feel what it feels like as you take in and release a breath. Focus on the physical experience and simply observe your body breathing. We can’t just stop our minds from thinking but, when you manage to focus attention on your breathing for a minute or two, you will turn down the habitual stress response and potentially feel more at ease. Then, your mind’s constant chatter has less of a negative impact.

One client told me when he is paying attention to his breathing, he pictures all of his habitual worrisome thoughts floating above him in envelopes and because he is more relaxed, he has more freedom to choose whether to open and investigate a thought or just let it float by.

AB: With so much going on out in the world, it feels important to stay current with what’s happening. How can I do this without getting stressed out?

TL:  I recommend creating a daily breath practice. Taking a very short amount of time (two to three minutes) each day to focus on breathing instead of continually focusing on what’s creating stress. Research shows that adding a small action consistently, such as focusing on your body as you breathe for a couple of minutes, is more effective over time than waiting for the perfect 10- to 20-minute opportunity to stop and breathe.

Here’s an easy breathing technique to try right now: 

• Sit in a relaxed posture; it’s OK to lean on the back of a chair or even lie down in bed.

• Put one hand on your belly and the other on your chest, over your heart. And then take in a breath.

• Notice how you’re breathing makes your hands rise and fall with your inhale and exhale.

• As you pay attention to your body breathing, notice the subtle sensations of your body expanding and contracting with each breath.

• Take a moment to appreciate your body, just saying thank you.  

My clients often report that positive feelings, such as feeling more hopeful and optimistic, generated by just a few minutes of breathing, is an incentive to turn their attention to breathing more often throughout their day. Why not give it a try and see if it works for you?  

To find out more about Tina, go to www.tinalerner.com.

To ask questions or schedule an appointment, call 805-450-1115 or email tina@tinalerner.com 

Originally published in the Montecito Journal

Making a Good Impression

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Research shows that it takes less than a minute to form an impression about character.  Without saying a word, just walking in the room sets the stage. Although this happens at a subliminal level, there are ways to influence the results. All you have to do is ask your aware body to participate. 

The majority of face to face communication is nonverbal. It has more to do with being present than making a presentation. Facial expression, tone of voice, body language, and how you occupy personal space convey information about who you are and what you can do. Knowing the importance of this, leadership coaches use video feedback and meditation techniques to enhance presentation skills. Making a good impression is something you can learn and practice. In other words, preparing for an important interview, speaking in public, or meeting someone tomorrow begins with cultivating positive presence today. 

Because your body sends such a powerful nonverbal message, cultivating positive presence is integral to making a good impression. Yet, when the stakes are high, you probably lead with your intellect and overlook the importance of your body. Unfortunately, when this happens, you shortchange your most valuable communication asset. To show up for success, your body needs to be on board. This means being actively present and developing nonverbal communication skills. Before you begin, it might be interesting to check in and see what your body’s saying right now. What message might your posture, tension, and facial expression convey to a casual observer? Are you at ease and present? Or, like James Joyce’s Mr. Duffy, are you “living a short distance from your body”?

Like most people, you probably spend more time in your thinking head than your feeling body. This isn’t a surprise when you consider all the pondering, reminiscing, figuring, planning, worrying, fantasizing, and entertaining that goes on in head space. Even blatantly physical activity like walking on the beach or exercising at the gym gets co-opted by ear buds. Unless you’re a meditator, spending time in body space can feel odd and uncomfortable. Trusting the intelligence of the body seems a stretch too far. If you take some time to cultivate positive presence, it will change this relationship and set your body up to make a good impression. To get started, let’s explore two key aspects of nonverbal communication: posture and demeanor. Or, as I like to say, standing tall and looking good.

Standing Tall. Standing tall is more than your alignment. It’s about how you occupy physical space. Several times a day, check in with your body and make sure there’s enough room for your whole being. Standing at the sink or waiting in line, notice if your body is compressing or slumping. Then, as you gently expand your internal dimension to reclaim full height, let everything soften and straighten. This easy adjustment automatically corrects the slump and aligns your body. It also brings you into present time and changes your perspective. Eye contact and paying attention seem easier. You have the stature to see the big picture and your place in it. No wonder, standing tall sends a message of leadership, confidence and competence.

Looking Good.Looking good is more than what you put on in front of a mirror. It’s about letting go and opening up so your light can shine. Unfortunately, unconscious and habitual tension can get in the way. This undermines your good intentions.  Monitoring the tension in your face and body periodically throughout the day will help you identify dominant holding patterns. If you find your brow pinched or lips pursed, get under the tension and open it up. If you tend to tuck your tummy or clench your hands, let them go. Along the way, if you encounter stuck negative emotions/ beliefs/ attitudes, let your breath clear the way. Acquaint yourself with how being open feels and bring it with you wherever you go. Freeing up the tension and negativity not only makes you look good, it opens the way for inspiring words and ideas. As an added benefit, when you let go and open up, your audience will feel seen, heard, and considered. In any situation, this sends a message that you’re a team player, considerate of others, and open to new ideas.

It goes without saying that standing tall and looking good aren’t about pulling your shoulders back, planting a smile on your face, and holding on. This is way too effortful and hardly authentic. To be sustainable and believable, good posture and a pleasant demeanor need to be natural resting places rather than something performed. Cultivating positive presence takes practice and happens over time. This isn’t about thinking it’s a good idea, it’s about getting it in your body. Returning to the simplicity of standing tall and looking good in the most mundane circumstances-waiting for take-out, watching a sunset, casually conversing with a friend, or even brushing your teeth- personalizes your experience. The more you use it, the more you make it your own. Then, your aware body can show up to support your best self anytime, all the time. True for in-person encounters as well as zoom, FaceTime, or even a message you leave online, you can count on your positive, nonverbal message to leave a lasting impression.

Originally published in The Montecito Journal

Cultivating a Positive Mind-Body Relationship

Image by Evgeni Tcherkasski from Pixabay

What if you had a longtime friend who never listened to you?  Every conversation was about them and their agenda. Most times they were ignoring, judging, or telling you what to do. Even when you felt sick or in pain, they resented having to slow down and take care of you. Believe it or not, this may describe your mind’s relationship with your body.

Even though you recognize the importance of a positive mind-body relationship, your thoughts, words, and actions may say otherwise. When your dominant mind sees your body as a tagalong- something it needs to monitor, boss, indulge, or override- you end up in a one-way relationship with little mutual understanding or trust. What if you could change your mind and interact with your body as an intelligent friend and valued partner.

It’s easy to make the case that how you think determines how you feel. A piece of disturbing news gets stuck in your physiology and you’re out of sorts all day long. Personal or professional worries show up in shoulder tension and stomach jitters. Attitude effects both performance and outcome. Optimism feels light; pessimism feels heavy. Self-image influences posture, emotional turmoil saps energy, and stress undermines rest. Simply put, your body is listening to your mind. But, is your mind listening to your body?

When your primary attention is devoted to figuring things out or plugged in to media, your nonverbal body gets overlooked. To shift this dynamic, you’ll need to spend some quality time in physical space. To get started, change the channel from word-dominant thinking to experience-centered feeling. In other words, turn off the iPhone, sit in a shady nook for a wee bit, and tune in to your senses.  Shift from the busy-ness of your day to how your body feels in order to anchor your awareness in the moment. To do this, feel your feet touching the ground and the rhythmic motion of your breath. Close your eyes and notice the distinct sounds, smells and quality of light that let you know it’s summertime. Stay in this space for a bit and let your body show you a thing or two.

Giving your body your full attention helps you see things from your body’s point of view. As you go through your day, tune in to your internal dialogue now and then to assess your mind-body relationship. You might be surprised to hear what your mind is saying about your body. Some key times to listen in are: whenever you look in the mirror, stumble over a curb, struggle with a yoga pose, or discover that last year’s clothes feel a little snug.  You can also catch some pretty juicy self-talk when going to or from an important meeting or romantic rendezvous. Don’t be dismayed if you hear unkind, critical or disrespectful things. This is simply an opportunity to reprogram the self-talk and turn it around. Be diligent. Every single time you catch yourself bossing or dissing or judging your body, counter the negatives with something loving and supportive…something you’d say to a dear friend.  It may sound corny at first but, changing the self-talk builds trust and trust is an essential part of a good mind-body relationship.

Why not initiate a personal #BodyToo movement to give your body some respect and equal billing? This is important because, as research now confirms, your body is the other half of your intelligence. And, when your smart mind and smart body work together, they are quite a team. For example, listening to your intelligent body helps you evaluate your health and happiness profile. Certain foods and behaviors either work for you or not. Paying attention to how you feel helps you make good decisions and access intuition. And, tuning in to your body helps quiet the mind for spiritual practice. The more you explore, the more you’ll appreciate the powerful potential of cultivating a positive mind-body relationship.

I’ve used the above exercises in my therapy practice over the years to help people access their best self.  Whether addressing physical or emotional issues, a positive mind-body relationship, it changes everything. Now, instead of being at odds, your mind and body can be trustworthy allies in an adventure of a lifetime.

Originally published in Edge Magazine, Mar 3, 2022.

The ABCs of ESP

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Most people haven’t thought much about the connection between their body’s sensory awareness and extra-sensory perception. They consider ESP extra-ordinary and practiced only by adepts or psychics. But, it’s actually available to anyone who pays attention to their inner senses. Although we’re well acquainted with the externals, sound-sight-taste-touch-smell, the internal senses often get overlooked. In order to access your inner knowing, you’ll need to become familiar with your inner senses. Let me introduce you.

Your body has four distinct sensory ways to relay information from the inside. Your vestibular system records balance and movement; proprioception registers position and location; nociception detects pain and discomfort; and interoception connects you with internal awareness and emotional feeling. Though all of the inner senses contribute to inner knowing, interoception is the direct link to what we classically think of as the sixth sense or extrasensory perception. For simplicity, let’s just call this your body sense.

Because your body sense has been integral to your physical experience since the beginning, you may think of it as no big deal. But, when it comes to being intuitive, it is. Healers and sensitives have resourced their body’s inner knowing for precognition, healing and psychic ability for centuries. More recently, using imagining technology, researchers have tracked the relationship between internal sensory awareness and intuitive behavior. You may experience a bit of this when a hunch plays out or you think of someone just before they call. You may see it show up in an emotional situation, choosing to respond with your heart rather than your head. Even in a poker game, your body sense may be helping you “know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em”.  All of these could be just pure chance. But they could also be your ESP at work.

ESP has several different channels of communication. Depending on how they present, these are clairvoyance, clairaudience, claircognizance, and clairsentience.  Clairvoyance, known as second sight, is the one with which you’re probably most familiar. But, the other avenues for sensory perception are actually more common. Perhaps, getting a hunch is a kind of inner knowing or claircognizance. Intuiting the emotions of others could be clairsentience and hearing an inner voice telling you lay down your cards could be an example of clairaudience. When reading the room modifies your delivery, you’re definitely being clairsentient. To explore some of these avenues, all you need to do is listen in. 

Listening in to your body sense is a good way to bolster your ESP potential. You can listen in while doing mundane tasks, letting go at the end of the day, or anytime you feel emotional. Listen in during romance. Listen in at work or play, Listen in when you exercise or meditate. Without judgement, observe what’s going on. Notice how comfort/discomfort, agitation/calm, excitement, joy, and sorrow feel. As you listen in, observe how your body communicates. Often irrational, ridiculously literal, and rooted in imagery, metaphor and symbol, body speak will require translation. For instance, when your body shuts down and clams up, it’s saying no. When it’s in the flow, so are you and all is okay. When you hear a story and you get goosebumps, pay attention. If phrases such as “got off on the wrong foot”, “do something half-hearted”, or “a knee-jerk reaction” come to mind, perhaps you need to get balanced, be in touch, and calm down.

ESP explorations. You can have fun experimenting with your body sense. Just pose a simple yes-no question, turn inward and pay attention to what you feel, hear or sense. Here are some way this might play out in real life:

• Listen to your heart. If you want to know if your heart is on board with any decision, bring your internal awareness to your heart center and ask. If the area gets compressed, blocked, or agitated, it’s asking you to reconsider. If it feels open and calm, the answer is yes.

• Listen to your gut. Placing a hand on your stomach, think about a project, relationship or investment and notice what happens. If you feel a tense, fluttering or a sinking feeling, your intuition is saying be careful. If your belly feels soft and content, the answer is yes.

• Listen to your emotional body. If you’re with someone, even a stranger, and your body gets a sudden hit of emotion, ask yourself if this is yours or not. If it’s yours, it’ll feel familiar and informative. If it’s not, it’s telling you something about the other person’s emotional state.

• Listen to your inner voice. If you’re mulling over a question, listen to the words that pop up. These can show up as random sayings, something overheard, or the lyrics of a song stuck in your head. Why not mine these words for meaning to get your answer?

Think how many times you’ve been told to listen to your heart or trust your gut or go with your feelings. Perhaps this is where ESP begins. To take it a step further, set a goal to pay attention to your inner wisdom and put it to use in everyday ways. Let it help you make decisions, fine tune communication, be self-aware, and change your mind. Don’t be afraid to put it to the test. To start, let your body sense lead the way in the little things and evaluate the results. Like any work in progress, remember, you’re learning as you go along. The more you use it, the more accurate it becomes. Putting it to use simply makes it get stronger. Pretty soon, you’ll trust it as valued partner for the big things. When you align intuition with intention, you have a powerful combo.

Social distancing has given us time to slow down and pay attention close at home. Why not take some time and explore something old to find something new? All you have to do is direct your attention inward and be a curious observer. Exploring a bit of ESP is no longer fringy, esoteric stuff. It’s literally part of who you are.

The Party Begins in the Kitchen

Photo credit: Getty Images

This time of year, when days are short and nights are longer, it feels important to celebrate light and be light-hearted. The traditions of Hanukah, Winter Solstice, Christmas, and Kwanzza all include lighting candles, singing songs, and feasting together. Although covid sensibilities have pared down the numbers, we don’t have to cancel the party. Smaller means better when the focus is on what really matters- nurturing our love for family and friends.

Sharing the warmth of hearth and a festive evening on a cold winter’s night is one of the pleasures of the season. The conviviality of this time spent together is enhanced when you ask your guests to participate. Friends become family and family become friends. Someone brings along a specialty dish and others work side by side to put finishing touches on the meal. Shoulders relax and worries dissipate. A volunteer steps in to toss the salad; another to serve the drinks.  Older kids help the younger ones do a puzzle or decorate cookies. Someone passes the appetizers. A father and son catch up on things as they stir the gravy. Old memories pop up and tidbits of community news filter in. Laughter and sharing tasks brings everyone together in common purpose. And, delightfully, the goodwill not only percolates through the entire evening but resonates for days and days.

“Body and mind, unconsciously, welcome the camaraderie that cooking together brings to the table.” -  Laurie Zalk

Preparing and sharing food promotes wellbeing on all levels. Psychosocial research has shown that cooking together reduces anxiety as well as depression. It also improves social skills and self-esteem; helps us feel more relaxed, connected, and joyful. As a result, sharing the work creates a sense of cohesion that affirms connection and sustains community. This is how it all plays out in real life- from kitchen to table: 

• When people join in to help out, they’re drawn into the present moment, away from their worldly concerns.

• Chopping, stirring, and preparing the feast to the beat of background music moves the body and elevates the mood.

• Casual conversation and working together forge a feeling of inclusion.

• Setting the table and lighting candles brings in an element of ceremony.

• Eating, drinking, and toasting together form a bond of good will.

 It’s easy to see how such an evening would nurture body, mind, and spirit.

My recipe for success. With a little help from cook books, inspiration from friends, and years of mindfulness, I’ve honed a reliable recipe for success. Although timing, guest list and menu are important, the key ingredient is setting intention. For instance, if I plan an evening to share the love of family, friends, or community, everything gets infused with my intention. The shopping, cooking, setting up and cleaning up are all buoyed by a positive energy. The lighting, background music and table décor set the stage so when guests walk through the door, the message is clear: this evening is about celebrating a bit of love and bonhomie.  There’s no fixed expectation other than coming together and being together. Perhaps some people are holding social space, chatting and connecting. Others are gathering in the kitchen sharing last minute tasks and the joy of helping the feast come together.

Once food is served and guests assembled at the table, it’s important to pause and connect with the occasion as well as each other.  A simple ceremonial gesture such as a blessing, song, or silent moment will suffice. Everyone’s hungry, yet no need to rush. Savor the flavors. Feel the joy of being together. Let it in, soak it up. The host sets the pace. If kids are part of the feast, planning an after-dinner activity means the adults can linger longer, enjoying each other’s company. After the guests depart, candles snuffed and dishes cleaned, I make a point to send a bit of the glow onward.

Happy Holidays and New Year to all!

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Healing Fiction

Lawrence Spann

Lawrence Spann writes every day in a Mead notebook- with a fountain pen! For him, this practice is more than journaling. It’s a kind of therapeutic introspection that allows the unconscious to become conscious. To accomplish this, he writes without an agenda, letting the pen rather than the mind lead the way. What results is a kind of waking dream where streams of memory and emotion coalesce in catharsis and insight. Over the years, his commitment to writing has helped him heal personal trauma, find selflove, and walk away from unproductive behaviors. This personal experience, as well as Spann’s interest in helping others, inspired a career in the healing arts.

After receiving a Master’s Degree in Health Sciences from Duke University, he directed cardiac rehabilitation programs and facilitated residential retreats with Dr. Dean Ornish. Spann went on earn a PhD in Creative Writing and founded the Literature, Arts, and Medicine Program at Sutter Medical Center in Sacramento. In 2007, he moved to Santa Barbara where his wife, Elizabeth Robinson, was studying mythology and depth psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute. It was only a matter of time before Spann and Robinson designed a new workshop format combining literature, therapeutic writing, mythology, and archetypal psychology.

Spann-Robinson Workshops. These workshops typically begin with a poetic or visual prompt. Participants are encouraged to go deep, get personal, and write without knowing where it’s going or crossing anything out. Spann says that such “raw” writing “captures the ebb and flow of the mind”, allowing issues and feelings to flow onto the page. Treating the result as a piece of fiction gives the writer the comfort of being one step removed. Then, with group input, the layers are peeled back to “understand what’s really at core, what’s really important.”  Including myth, metaphor, and imagery enrich the process and offer new ways to see hidden meaning as well as a pathway forward.  Now, something transformational can begin.  

What is the rationale behind therapeutic writing? All of us have an emotional history. We’re sentient beings after all. We feel disappointed, sad, hurt, angry, scared when people let us down, plans fall through, or something traumatic happens.  Intense emotional experiences don’t just disappear. They get recorded and tucked away in the emotional body. Every once in a while, something happens that stirs things up and a piece of history floats to the surface.  When this happens, it could be just an inconvenient hot mess or it could be an opportunity to sort it out. The Spann-Robinson workshops offer a context where people can tell the story, step away from the drama/trauma and let some of the muck float away. Then, with a fresh outlook, they can address what needs to heal and what needs to change. Spann’s recent novel, intriguingly titled A Parable of Lies, is an example of how this works.

“If we never speak the truth, we live the parable of the lie.”

About the book.  A Parable of Lies is well-researched and beautifully written. It’s the story of a man standing at a crossroad where one direction leads to behaviors that are messing up his life. And the other direction leads to a deep dive into a painful past. The stakes are high, but he really has no choice. Prompted by the death of his brother, the narrator returns to his hometown. His traumatic past looms everywhere. Every corner, every encounter brings up old memories that won’t be placated until he owns them and tells the truth. Thus, begins a healing journey. As it turns out, the old friends and places that shaped his story have stories of their own. Social, philosophical and artistic events of the times have a role to play. New friends and wise elders show up as mentors.  Following the compass of his heart through the tangle of the past, he is guided by synchronicity. Ultimately, A Parable of Lies is about the healing power of love.

This book emphasizes Oprah’s point that shifting from “what happened to you” to “what’s wrong with you” is the key to healing. We all have baggage. No matter how deeply buried or cleverly defended, our unresolved issues control our behavior and undermine health, happiness and success. Because they’re wired in the emotional body, they can be triggered by a Fleetwood Mac song, the smell of smoke in the air, a random comment, or a provocative story. They can also be triggered by family drama, financial uncertainty, community discord, or … a holiday gathering. Surprising enough, even joy and success can bring pain-trauma-hurt to the surface. No matter the catalyst, the next time you’re triggered, why not get out pen and paper and write a bit of healing fiction?

Lawrence Spann has a Masters in Health Sciences from Duke University and a PhD in Creative Writing from Union University in Ohio.  For the past thirteen years, people in our community have known him as the compassionate Anticoagulation Specialist at Sansum Clinic. He stepped away from this position recently to focus on his writing. You can buy A Parable of Lies at a local bookshop or online. For a multi-sensory experience, the e-Book includes a play list of all the fabulous music in the book.

Lawrence Spann PhD and Elizabeth Robinson PhD convene on-going healing workshops using literature, therapeutic writing, mythology, and archetypal psychology. Lawrence is available for book clubs and presentations. To find out more  https://www.spannrobinson.com/contact-us

Originally published in The Montecito Journal

Get Your Healthy Body Back

Photo credit: Filip Mroz, Unsplash

The kids are back in school and there’s a definite chill in the air.  Putting on an extra layer reminds me that soon the days will get shorter and T-shirts will give way to sweaters. As summer segues to winter, it’s a good time to take stock and make some changes.  The truth is, I’m tired of seeing stress in my face, living in sweatpants, and feeling crumby first thing in the morning. I’m tired of being tired. My self-care has gotten flabby and it shows. I want to get my healthy body back!

Over the past eighteen months, like everyone else, I traded fitness strategies for coping strategies. Who didn’t cut themselves slack and do a little bingeing? The lockdown was softened by a plethora of streaming options and an ongoing excuse to veg-out. (I had fun defining that term for my grandsons). Even when I made a point to exercise, I often found myself in front of the freezer looking for ice cream.  Although I could feel the unhealthy results, I gave myself a pass for extraordinary times. But, now, I’ve come to my senses and want to take charge. From past experience, I know that being present and being positive are the keys to making healthy changes.

Being Present. Being present means paying attention and observing the mind-body relationship. To get a peek at what’s going on, just listen in to your self-talk. Check it out the next time you stand in front of a mirror or feel the lead on an uphill hike. Don’t be surprised if your thought bubble holds a not-so-subtle, far-from-loving message- a toxic combo of personal history, the judgment of others, and cultural opinions.  This negative messaging is not helpful to the task at hand. But, identifying the particulars and consciously turning them around is a proactive way to practice being positive.

Being positive. To root out the negative messages in your self-talk, you need to tone up and flex your positive thinking muscles. As you diligently rescript each and every negative with a positive, think of it as building core strength. This is how it looks for me: When “I wish my chubby waist would disappear”, I replace it with “I love my cushy body”.  I know such a reframe seems simplistic and quite corny, but making sure my body hears the positives is a good way to improve my body-mind relationship. Then the mind can deliver the facts and design a personalized program. And, the body can try it out and deliver feedback. As a team, both mind and body can course correct if necessary.

Being positively present. Living in a health-conscious community, we all know what foods and exercise are good for a healthy body. No empty calories or inflammatory foods and twenty minutes of aerobic a day, right? Yet, from a body wisdom point of view, how we show up is as important as the foods we eat or laps we swim. Being positively present for eating and exercising doesn’t require more time, it just asks for your attention.  Turn off the podcast; take out the ear buds; close the newspaper. You get the gist. Let the time be about experiencing the body rather finding ways to occupy the mind.  As a self-care strategy, this might sound obvious but it’s not necessarily easy. Here are four ways to focus your mind on your body, no matter what you’re doing.

• Center your awareness in physical space- how you feel and where you are. 

• Observe the mechanical beauty and sensual pleasure of being physical. 

• Keep a light-hearted perspective when you encounter obstacles.

• Find lots of occasions to appreciate the simple beauty of your body self.

Being positively present for eating or exercising makes it easier to grapple with emotionally-charged fitness and body image issues. By this time in life, we’ve established a complex relationship with our body. Bring in the element of change and, predictably, the old, familiar negatives begin to show up. For instance, if you happen to put on a pair of slightly snug pants, expect a few snarky comments in your thought bubble. Add a couple of reps at the gym and, all of a sudden, you feel discouraged. Sit down to a bowl of popcorn and, instead of enjoying each bite, you want to shove it in your mouth. Set off for a silent walk on the beach and your mind won’t shut up. The best way to handle this push back is to keep looking forward, find a little humor and see yourself as a work in progress. 

 Staying positive. Because the physical body and emotional body are so entwined, making changes is bound to bring up feelings. It’s important to find time to process so you don’t get bogged down. As every healer knows, old issues and programing come up to the surface on their way out. Letting them move on helps you stay positive, in present time. If you let them go, whether through self-talk or self-expression, you lighten the load. You can feel it! Remember, it’s easier to stay upbeat when you feel the reward of your efforts.

In my experience, being present with a positive attitude is part of a reliable progression. With mind and body on the same page, the “what, when, and how much” reflect my intention for being healthy. Every conscious choice I make helps me get in shape and feel better about myself. As the positives multiply, healthy routines are reinforced. Once I get it rolling, the reward of a feeling better keeps it rolling. Then, not only do I get my healthy body back, I get it back better. You will too.

Originally published in the Montecito Journal, Oct. 2021

Checking in with Source

Standing on the threshold of a post-covid world feels like an opportunity to evaluate the past and make choices for the future. In such transition times, our small-self is asked to align with a big-self perspective. This is when it makes sense to listen to a resource that comes from way beyond and resonates deep within. I call this: checking in with Source. For some people, checking in with Source happens in a religious context; for others it is more about spiritual connection. But, for all, it implies looking past the upsets and distractions of everyday life to partake of something more eternal. 

Dr. David Cumes

There are many ways to check in with Source. Contemplative prayer or meditation create an opening to hear your deepest knowing. Astrology, tarot, or aura readings can impart more information. Tossing the i-Ching or Rune Stones are doorways to the wisdom of olden times. Rather than a literal transmission, these methods often rely on symbol, image or metaphor to convey the message. Then, it’s up to us to determine what it means and how it can help. Most recently, wanting some post-pandemic guidance, I asked David Cumes to read the Bones for me.

A highly respected urologist and gifted spiritual healer, Dr. Cumes has travelled back and forth from the cutting edge of Western medicine to the mystical roots of indigenous healing. As he tells the story, after specializing in urology, teaching at Stanford, and setting up a private practice in Santa Barbara, he still felt something was missing. Every time he visited his South African homeland, a traditional healer would tell him that the Ancestors were calling him to study the ancient medicinal ways. As part of his destiny, this was how he could bridge the gap between science and spirit. Eventually, he began an arduous training process leading to initiation as an African shaman or sangoma. Since then, he has helped many people in our community find a way to heal the spirit as well as the body. To do this, Cumes uses a divination process called Reading the Bones.  

Reading the Bones. 

Any time you stand at a place of not knowing or decision-making and desire more input, you might want to have Cumes read the Bones.  As he explains it, you bring the question and the Ancestors answer. Here’s how it works:

Once you schedule your reading, the Ancestors have been notified. You arrive at the appointed time, take off your shoes, and sit with Cumes in his backyard “ndumba” yurt filled with baskets of specific plant medicines and various sacred objects.  Cumes sits at the head of this sanctified space, burns “mpepho” incense and shakes a rattle to call forth your ancestors and guides. Afterward, he’ll ask you to pick up a collection of bones/ trinkets/ charms- holding them as you think of the issue or question at hand. Infused with your energy, these are placed in a ceremonial skin bag along with an offering of tobacco. You shake the bag, blow into the opening and state your name. Once the bag is emptied onto a woven mat, Cumes interprets the configured message sent from the spirit world. The reading often invokes further introspection and perhaps a second throw. After the message has been delivered and clarified, you might be asked to do a process or ritual at home to clear the way using candles, water, and herbs.

How does this work?

Cumes explains that when the Bones land in a certain configuration, they provide a scaffold for diagnostic insight coming from the spirit world. This allows ancestral spirits to have a conversation with the client through the healer. Reading the Bones is like unraveling the metaphor of a dream in order to access deeper meaning and invite insight. Once the picture is clear, the Ancestors suggest certain actions, plant medicines, and healing rituals to unlock the past and remedy imbalance.

With his specific sangoma training and cultivated intuition, Cumes is a master at translating information from Source. Every time I’ve sat in his yurt, the result has been both profound and uncanny. After a seemingly random throw, the very placement of the Bones appears to speak directly to the issue. As Cumes points out the significance of each piece and placement, a theme emerges.   For instance: Look over here…that charm landed dead center; this bone flew right out of the circle; that shell is pointing to your home-creativity-health; this ancestor is showing up to guide you. Each reading helped me listen to my inner knowing, resolve an issue from the past, and set a course for the future.

In addition to David Cumes, Santa Barbara has an impressive collection of gifted professionals who can hold the space between this world and spirit world. Whether you seek their help or simply sit quietly and listen, this is a good time to check in with Source. Tuning in to the divine, the universe, or inner knowing now will help you see through the haze and make wise choices as you go forward.  

“Spirit guides are not subject to time or space as are we. 
They are always around but not always to be known,
always within call but not always to be heard,
always present but not always to be sensed,
always holding us but not always to be felt.”

The Ancestors

Visit www.davidcumes.com  to learn more about David Cumes and his books, music, videos, and blog.  Visit www.sbcc.edu/extendedlearning to access his online video offering The Architecture of the Soul and register for the special zoom event, The Anatomy of the Soul on July 10 from 10 to 12pm.   

Appointments can be scheduled to Read the Bones through Adrienne at 805-964-6771.

Moving On

Photo credit: Bagas Muhammad on Unsplash.com

The past eighteen months has been tough on the emotional body. Dealing with loss, bracing for the unknown, and shouldering through have all taken their toll. If you check in, chances are, you’ll find a layer of tension under a layer of fatigue.  The tension is your body’s response to stress/ distress; the fatigue reflects how much energy it takes to be vigilant. Once emotional tension sets in, it tends to keep holding on until something shifts the dynamic. Following the principle of inertia, we need an impetus to get things moving again.

As more and more people get vaccinated, restrictions are easing up. The CDC tells us we can walk around and socialize safely outdoors without a mask. The promise of unrestricted mobility is on the horizon. As the threat recedes, so can our emotional tension. But, this isn’t so easy. Faced with the uncertainties of a worldwide pandemic, we instinctively stopped, tucked in and held on waiting for the danger to pass. Yet, the danger just went on and on.  Even though our mind might know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, our emotional body is still on high alert. Finding ways to let go can be the catalyst for moving on.

Some ways to let go:

Do something different.  When you’ve had too much time to sit around and stew, the antidote is to get up and do something.  The weather is lovely and, after fifteen months of restricted mobility, it finally feels as if we can be outside with confidence. Why not take a road trip up the coast or go camping in the back country?  Schedule time to hang out with friends to catch up and have a few laughs. Just relax, enjoy the beauty and share a bit of bonhomie. Celebrate how good it feels to be out again. Just breaking loose can kindle positive feelings, dissipate stress, and get things moving.   

Create time for E-Motions.  Imagine a web of emotional energy fueling the tension in your shoulders, jaw and gut.  Instead of connecting this energy with a story or personal history, just deal with it as pure-form energy…in motion. E-motion. Choose a private time and place and sit with your emotional body. Feel the locus of emotional holding or fluttering wherever it shows up. Hum softly and let the tone open up the tension and soothe the discord. Then, take your hands and brush the residue away. Although this may seem silly or awkward or strange, it works. Releasing the energy at its own level is a great way to move on.  

Ask for help. Just asking for help can be a change in direction. As adults we rarely think to put ourselves on the receiving end of nurturing care.  Over the past year, probably not at all.  Your body has been doing a great job managing these extraordinary times.  Maybe it’s time to give something back. A simple shampoo and trim or a pedicure at your favorite salon can reset the program. Craniosacral, acupuncture, Reiki, quantum healing, and massage therapies are designed to get things moving. All of these treatment scenarios create a context where you can let go and be nurtured. When the tension softens, let all the reasons “why” disconnect as well and float away.

The pandemic experience has given you an opportunity to spend some time with yourself. Your particular emotional and physical holding patterns have often been front and center. Instead of emerging from the covid cocoon and proceeding with business as usual, why not embrace this transitional moment to do some personal healing? Owning the tension and fatigue is a good place to start. Being proactive and doing something is a good way to get things moving. Being mindful will help you keep it moving and move on.  When you do this, you can feel the positive results. Just as smiling affects your mood, a spring in your step changes the tone from downbeat to upbeat every time. Your unencumbered moving, breathing body helps you get in the flow.  And, when you’re in the flow, your emotional body isn’t side-tracking your creative inspiration.

Stuck in the same existential caldron, the intensity of the pandemic has been shared by every single person on Planet Earth. Because of its viral nature, the only way we can really move on is if we all move on together. Without a doubt, this is a healing moment of global significance. Instead of trying to go back and recreate the way things were, what if we used this opportunity to change the program- personally and collectively?  When restrictions and limitations no longer cloud our vision, let’s invite an enlightened perspective to guide the way. Let’s direct our creative energies toward rational, science-based choices that help rather than harm. Imagine moving on as one to address the betterment of our community together. Such a vision engenders hope. And, this is certainly good for the emotional body.

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This article was originally published in the Montecito Journal.

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The Face Behind the Mask

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."  —Thich Nhat Hanh

photo by Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash.com

The other day, with this topic in mind, I initiated a socially distanced conversation in the parking lot with an anthropology student. We spoke of masks and how they alter non-verbal communication and change our perception of people…especially strangers. To explore this, I suggested that we lift ours to see what we might have missed. I was surprised to discover how much personality had actually been withheld behind his mask. I was also surprised by how risqué it felt to reveal my own full face. I almost blushed.

Masking and distancing protocols have impaired our social confidence. As a matter of course, we avoid random encounters and minimize discourse. Acclimating to the pandemic norm has left us more insular and less out going. Instead of observing facial expression and making eye contact, we look the other way. When we tune out, we silence a vital source of non-verbal communication that helps us assess the comfort, sincerity, and mood of others. These days, even when we’re out and about, we feel shut in. We shrink our energy field, tuck to the side, and go about our business. No eye contact, no gesture embellishments, mouth set grimly behind the mask. In other words, zoom aside, communication during the pandemic has gone into the negatives.

I first observed this disturbing disintegration several months ago while cruising through the grocery store with pursed lips and a set jaw. The face under my mask was anything but pleasant. Then, I noticed how I avoided social interaction, side-stepping into the bushes on my hike whenever someone approached.  Normally gregarious, I had to make a concerted effort to make eye contact and say something agreeable. Instead of just hunkering down until the masking times are over, I want to reclaim my humanity, one smile at a time. If you’d like to join me, here are some things to consider.

Facial muscles have a whole range of possibilities. Unfortunately, over time, they lose pliability and settle in to a dominant expression. It may sound silly but the emotional tension in your face becomes a holding pattern.  As such, your muscles have a default mode of scrunching, puckering, pushing or squeezing. You see your particular configuration looking back from the mirror or a casual photo. You feel it’s imprint when you try to relax.  Tuning in, the shape and message of this tension is pretty obvious. If your mouth pulls down, it actually looks and feels like anger or disappointment. Pinched lips could be linked to fear or disgust; a clamped jaw to determination or worry. Although not actively angry, disgusted or worried right now, your default expression delivers a clear message - both to others and yourself. 

Even if your face is hidden behind a mask and no one is looking anyway, the message gets through. Facial expression influences both what others perceive and what you actually feel. Studies have shown that smiling, even fake smiling, triggers feel-good hormones in your body and frowning, even default frowning, lights up the flight-or-fight area in your brain. Simply, pulling up the corners of your mouth can make you happier; pulling them down can make you angrier. Being aware and choosing to smile changes your perception of what’s happening. In other words: smiling makes the glass feel half full, frowning renders it half empty.

To experience how this works for you, take a moment to consider the inconvenience of the pandemic protocols with a big old grin on your face. If you encounter some default frown-tension, just push through it until you reclaim your full smiling capacity. Then, think about it with a frown and contrast the impact of smile v frown on your perception.  Then, practice some smiling mindfulness for the rest of the day and see how it goes. Smile while exercising, smile while doing the dishes, smile while waiting in line. You may find that this small shift of awareness makes a huge difference in the way you feel and perceive your world.

The CDC tells us that we won’t be mask-free and breezy any time soon, regardless of vax status. So, even though it may only affect your own perception, why not smile under your mask? And, why not make eye contact and say a few pleasantries to reclaim some of your social graces? At the end of this ordeal, when the mask finally comes off, perhaps your new default expression will be a smile.

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This article was originally published in the Montecito Journal.

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“Name It to Tame It”- The salubrious effects of expressive writing.

The hustle-bustle of normal life has given way to a slower, simpler pace. My appointment book is empty. Social interaction is masked and brief. Even reliable distractions have lost their luster. With so much time for introspection, unresolved issues and negative thoughts are adding to the stress load. Instead of shouldering on, I’m choosing to use this opportunity to do some expressive writing. A viable therapeutic technique, expressive writing helps people process thoughts and feelings associated with a traumatic or stressful life experience. Hello, pandemic.

Focusing on what’s bugging you and putting it into words is a good way to diffuse the charge and lighten the load.  As psychologist Dan Siegel put it: “Name it to tame it.” This has very tangible results. Research has shown that simply writing about what’s going, even for a few minutes, decreases stress, improves mood, and cultivates deeper understanding. And, a regular writing practice can even reduce physical pain and relieve depression. My journaling friends have told me that writing is a doorway to intuition. Why not take pen in hand and see what it does for you? 

Even if you’ve never written anything personal in your life, you won’t have to search for material. A few quiet moments alone will give you plenty to write about. The thoughts that pop up aren’t random and the tension isn’t really physical. Like old friends who’ve come to visit during the pandemic and just stayed on and on, the stuff that’s surfacing is all very familiar. Just take pen in hand and put it down on paper. It’s not a cliché to say that writing it out, gets it out. Use some of that extra time you have to do a little healing. Perhaps, you’ll find some inner wisdom along the way. Here’s how.

Write about what’s happening in your body, what’s rumbling around in your head, a recent dream, a comment that rankled. Keep it personal, use feeling words, be honest, and let the writing take the lead. Trust the process. This isn’t a composition for publication, this is your inner self finding expression. Some prompts that’ve helped get me started are:

• “If my stomach (shoulders, neck, back) could talk, it would tell me…”

• “Being on a vaccine wait-list makes me feel…. “

• “The endless monotony brings up a lot of…”

As a linear progression, it’s easy to see how thoughts and feelings that used to be churning around inside are now outside. From this perspective, take a look at what came up and words you chose. Let your rational, cognitive mind weigh in. Here are some ways my writing took it to the next step:

• “My anxious stomach reflects the unsettled nature of cancelled plans. Setting open-ended expectations will help it calm down.”

• “The frustration of feeling out of control is mitigated when I’ve done everything on my end to set things up.”

• “A list of all the ways I can use this time will lift the oppression of boredom.”

To wrap up your expressive writing process, pause again to reflect. Add insight and wisdom. Once you name it and tame it, you’re out of the weeds. Now, you can see a bigger, broader picture. Let your writing drift philosophical for a bit and add something you’re looking forward to. Some people prefer writing in a formal journal to reflect on later. Others, view their writing as cathartic, disposing the crumpled pages in a ceremonial gesture. Regardless of where they end up, getting the words out of your body/mind helps you process your feelings and find perspective. You can feel the results. 

Expressive writing is a viable self-healing strategy. Science has shown that putting feelings into words calms your nervous system and allows better access to your rational brain. In addition, writing in cursive slows you down and helps the words flow freely. This is because when you connect letters in a single stroke it engages both sides of the brain, thereby giving you ready access to thoughts, feelings, image, and memory. Putting it all down on paper breaks up the emotional logjam. Once moving, your right brain has the insight and your left brain has the clarity to uncover new solutions to nagging problems. As a regular practice, journaling is a good way to create order out of chaos and find your balance in uncertain times. In the words of Diana Raab PhD, author of Writing for Bliss: “Writing about what’s on your mind and in your heart helps you make sense of your situation and results in a feeling of release and an increased sense of awareness.”

Finding ways to alleviate the discomfort and do something positive as the pandemic goes on and on may be the best strategy for staying healthy- mind, body, and spirit. Do your own expressive writing research and then write about the results! And, if you’re intrigued and would like to take it further, order yourself a sweet notebook at www.shopantiquaria.com/notebooks/ to get started …or

check out one of these offerings:

Diana Raab, PhD teaches two writing courses on DailyOm- Write. Heal. Transform.: A Magical Memoir Writing Course, and Therapeutic Writing. Both include journal writing tips.

Janet Lucy, MA offers 8 and 12-week women’s weekly writing circles via zoom. Her next season begins the first week of April. She also offers an email group course for women titled “Divine Ink ~ Illuminating The Heroine’s Journey.” For more info, contact: janet@thethreesunflowers.com. 

As Janet says: “Hearing one’s authentic inner voice, alone or witnessed in a circle, putting it in words on paper, is healing, inspiring and transformative.”

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This article was originally published in the Montecito Journal March 2021.

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Thinking About the Kids

For one year now, our lives have been upended in ways that were both unprecedented and unexpected. Although we’ve all risen to the challenge and found ways to adjust, a noticeable level of stress-tension has taken up residency just under the surface. An inconsiderate comment, a stubborn child, a dinner gone awry, or someone taking your parking space can trigger an emotional response way beyond the situation. With resiliency stretched to the limit, one more thing can push us over the edge. Getting outdoors, staying connected with friends, and various calming strategies can help us regain our composure. Then, something else happens to push us to the brink again.

I live in a three-generation household and worry about the negative impact of this wild ride on my grandchildren. These little guys are valiantly going along with all the zoom school, drive-by birthdays, and cancellation of after-school sports. They’ve discovered the delight of Sunday roller skating, Land of Stories books, and cat puzzles. Even so, an elevated level of fussiness, defiance, sibling fighting and screen dependency has become a new norm. Knowing that we have many more months of interrupted routines and uncertainty, I asked my good friend, psychologist Don MacMannis to weigh in and offer some encouragement.

Ann: Dr. Mac, I read the book that you and Debra wrote a couple of years ago, titled How’s Your Family Really Doing?10 Keys to a Happy, Loving Family. Since then, it’s been a go-to resource for understanding family dynamics and finding ways for good communication. What wisdom might you offer right now to help our families cope with the emotional stress of living in a changing, sometimes volatile world?

Dr. Mac:  Most, but not all families are really feeling overwhelmed by the effects of the pandemic. Social isolation and Zoom fatigue have greatly contributed to a rise in the number of kids with mental health challenges.

Here’s one way to understand the situation: Imagine that we just discovered that aliens from outer space were threatening to invade, and they’re just over the hill. We’d be really scared about the situation, especially after learning that the aliens might have infiltrated our own tribe. Now, even our family or friends can be a threat to us, let alone strangers! 

Fortunately, our human species has been able to adapt and survive despite the many dangers we’ve overcome over thousands of years. This is due to the fact that our bodies are equipped with an important reactive response. Perceived attacks activate the stress chemicals of adrenalin and cortisol. So with the threat of the pandemic virus, we’re pumped up and ready to defend— but with this enemy we can’t arm ourselves and then go fight. On the contrary, we’re stuck in isolation at home, often taking our frustrations out on each other. Unfortunately, those fight or flight chemicals have no outlet.

One solution: It’s an excellent time to learn and practice methods of constructive expression, with subsequent efforts at trying to find solutions and lower our stress levels. Many people have discovered the benefits of physical exercise where they work up a sweat and scream in their heads at the “stupid pandemic enemy.” Others succeed with methods of relaxation.

In my efforts to help families I was inspired to write and produce a song that’s been dubbed “The Family Pandemic Dance Song” https://www.happykidsvideos.com  Free to all, it’s become a national hit as it helps to instill hope, normalize family feelings about the situation, and provides a fun outlet and vehicle for expression through singing. After feelings have been normalized and expressed, it’s an opportune time for parents to sit down and talk things over—perhaps in a family meeting.

Ann: I wonder if you could tell us more about family meetings and give some guidance about how they work.

Don: “As a family therapist, I’ve often lamented how countless numbers of families might have prevented a need for professional help by having family meetings on a regular basis.

One of the greatest benefits is that family members feel heard and respected. How about the timely topic of the top ten gripes about the pandemic?

Meetings also provide a means for reducing conflict and improving positive thinking and appreciation of others. Although a variety of options are possible, the following topics can work as a nice starter package.

Going around the circle, everyone is encouraged to share:

1.   Something new in their life that they feel good about

2.   A recent experience that was upsetting

3.   An appreciation of each family member

4.   As needed, the use of “I-messages” to help members work out emotional hurts and upsets with each other

Additional topics can include the discussion of schedules for the coming week or making decisions and plans for the future, such as possible outings and things to look forward to. Try to conclude the process on a positive note, with some music, food and/or a shared activity like a game. These are all proven ways to help bring out the best in everyone—processes that are especially important in these trying times.

Trying out Dr. Mac’s suggestions with my family reminded me of the importance of acknowledging our feelings as an essential part of being human. Instead of trying to manage, redirect, or dismiss them, it’s important to find healthy ways to get our covid-triggered emotions moving. Singing and dancing along with “The Family Pandemic Song” turns out to be cathartic. Although there might be a bit of resistance at the front end, following the family meeting protocol is a good way to relieve emotional tension. In both instances, the feelings get named without blame. Once they don’t have a grip on us, it’s easier to get perspective and find solutions. Because our kids are taking their cues from us, this is more important than ever.

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Don MacMannis, Ph.D. is a psychologist and co-directs The Family Therapy Institute with his wife, Debra Manchester, LCSW. He has been a therapist for fifty years. His practice includes work with children, families and couples, with a specialization in parenting kids ages two to twelve. 

Co-author with Debra of the highly acclaimed book on families: How's Your Family Really Doing? 10 Keys to a Happy Loving Family, he is also a music director and songwriter for the PBS animation series, Jay Jay the Jet Plane. His latest creative efforts are with Happy Kids' Songs, an award-winning series of songs and activities to help children boost their social and emotional skills.

Join Ann Brode in conversation with Carly Newfeld on The Last Word

Ann Brode in conversation with Carly Newfeld on The Last Word, KSFR Public Radio, Santa Fe

Ann Todhunter Brode has been a respected bodywork therapist, consultant and writer in the healthcare field for over 40 years. Over decades she has observed time and again how our minds and bodies interact and has published her findings in A Guide to Body Wisdom: What Your Mind Needs to Know About Your Body.

In this interview Ann cites just a few of hundreds of examples which will likely have you nodding in agreement and perhaps generate an "aha" moment or two. A well resourced addition to literature about how mindfulness may help to offer a fresh perspective on our health. Published by Llewelyn.com     anntodhunterbrode.com

What my friend Pattie Cavalletto had to say about the interview:

"I just listened to your interview and loved it!!! Such a master, as always, and it came through so clearly and naturally in your easy speaking, just as you do when you're giving loving advice during a session. I enjoyed it thoroughly and appreciated Carly for her obvious interest and knowledge of your book... in truth, I feel a bit like I've just been with you, which, of course, I have."

Michael Seabaugh, PhD introduces Ann at Chaucers Books, 2018. Photo Credit: Ali Todhunter.

Bringing in the Light for 2021

Coming to the end of such a tough, transformative year, celebrating a new beginning may be more important than ever.  Although the first of January is a calendar event, we could see it as part of a continuum that goes from the Winter Solstice to the end of December. Since early humans first noticed the sun cycles of light to dark and dark to light, this time of year has brought people together to celebrate connection and renewal. Today, the rituals of Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, and Diwali all have one thing in common: bringing in the Light. 

Like many, my family couldn’t wait to bring in the Light this year. We got a Christmas tree early and festooned it with colorful lights and baubles. We lit candles each night at the dinner table and sang our Advent song. We watched the evening sky as Jupiter and Saturn crept closer and closer together, cheering their conjunction on the Winter Solstice. Then we did an old hippie ceremony and wrote out the things we’d like to leave behind, tossing them one by one into the fireplace. My eight-year-old grandson wrote the number 2020 on his piece of paper. Afterwards, we thought about what we’d like to bring into our lives for the coming year, holding hands to empower our individual wishes with the intention of the collective.

Marking various life transitions in ritualistic ways is a distinct feature of human culture. Throughout history, our various tribes have come together to celebrate traditions, affirm connection and assure continuity. This practice benefits both the community and the individual. Although it’s unclear exactly why, participating in even the smallest ritual seems to reduce anxiety and increase self-confidence… even for people who don’t believe!  Saul Levine, MD, author of Our Emotional Footprint: Ordinary People and Their Extra-Ordinary Lives, suggests that this is because celebrating traditions fulfill important criteria for achieving the Four B’s: Being, Belonging, Believing, and Benevolence.

When we have a good sense of Being, we feel grounded in a core identity despite our foibles and frailties. Belonging gives us the personal comfort of knowing we’re an integral part of something bigger. Believing in a set of higher principles and values, whether secular or religious, encourages ethical behavior. And, this sense of being, belonging, and believing inspire us to benevolent acts of generosity and kindness. In this way, carrying on traditions supports our best, most comfortable selves in an essential way.

Even if you don’t have an established tradition, finding a way to celebrate endings and beginnings empowers the transitional moment.  What better time than right now to do something significant and personal to mark the new year? In addition to watching the ball fall on Times Square or fireworks around the globe, set aside some private time to be introspective and do a little ritual. You can use a variation of my family’s Solstice ceremony or design your own.

Steps for a New Year Ritual

• Make a plan.  A new year ritual can happen anytime from the Solstice to mid-January. Make sure you give yourself the privacy and time to be quiet and focus. If you have power objects, bring them along. For instance, I always have the Cairngorm pendant that my friend Dennie gave me around my neck.

• Get present. Sitting quietly, get in touch with your surroundings. Feel the space, connect with your breath, and center in the moment.

• Let it go. With each exhale release anything that you don’t want to bring into the new year. Stream-of-consciousness will dredge up plenty of material, just begin with the stuff that’s surfaced as a result of covid-19.

• Be inspired. Once you’ve emptied the negatives, there’s space for the positive. On each inhale, breathe in all the things you’d like to come your way. No, not the Ferrari … things like equanimity, creativity, compassion, healing.

• Seal the deal. When you’re finished, reach your hands up towards the sky. Then bring the energy down to your head, heart, belly, and the ground beneath. Sit with palms up until you feel complete.

As we approach 2021, it’s clear that we need each other. In my new year’s visualization, we’re all standing together- celebrating connection and renewal.  And, together, we’re holding the planet in the healing Light.

Happy New Year to All!